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HEEEEEEEEEEE’S BACK! – Pundits & Satirists Revel In Rudy’s Return!
Legendary Legal Mind Rudy Giuliani Comes Out of Semi-Retirement to Save Donald Trump
The soon-to-be bachelor says he’s going to “negotiate an end” to the Mueller probe.
Over the past month, Robert Mueller’s investigation into possible collusion between Donald Trump’s 2016 campaign and mother Russia has kicked into high gear. Also over the past month, Donald Trump’s legal team, which wasn’t comprised of the country’s most brilliant legal minds to begin with, has completely fallen apart. John Dowd, the president’s personal lawyer, decided he’d had enough and quit. Ty Cobb, who famously claimed the Russia probe would be over by Thanksgiving 2017, is basically persona non grata. Joseph diGenova, who peddled a conspiracy theory that the F.B.I. and D.O.J. were in cahoots to frame Trump, decided at the last minute he didn’t want to be associated with such an epic s–t show. As former Obama general counsel Bob Bauer told my colleague Abigail Tracy, “Like so much else around Trump, [the shake-up] is marked by confusion, a lack of consistency, and an apparent reflection of the president’s uncontrolled impulses.”
At one point, it looked like the ex-Miss Universe owner was going to have to represent himself. But on Thursday, blessing of blessings, the president’s fairy godmother intervened:
Former New York mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, a combative former prosecutor and longtime ally of President Trump, told The Washington Post on Thursday that he has joined the president’s legal team dealing with the ongoing special counsel probe.
Giuliani, like Trump, is Central Park Five truther, told the Post, “I’m doing it because I hope we can negotiate an end to this for the good of the country and because I have high regard for the president and for Bob Mueller.” The president, naturally, is thrilled by the turn of events, which reunites him with this favorite cross-dressing enthusiast. “Rudy is great,” Trump said a statement issued by counsel Jay Sekulow. “He has been my friend for a long time and wants to get this matter quickly resolved for the good of the country.”
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Naturally, Andy Borowitz at The New Yorker couldn’t allow Rudy’s resuscitation to go unnoticed:
WARNING: THIS IS “FAKE NEWS” BUT COMES WITH MY ABSOLUTE, UNCONDITIONAL, MONEY BACK GUARANTEE THAT IT CONTAINS MORE TRUTH THAN THE AVERAGE TRUMP TWEET OR SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS NEWS BRIEFING, AND ALSO MORE FACTUAL ACCURACY THAN ANY REPORT PREPARED UNDER THE DIRECTION OF “AGENT DEVON!”
SATIRE FROM THE BOROWITZ REPORT
TRUMP HIRES ONLY LAWYER IN U.S. WITH FEWER CLIENTS THAN MICHAEL COHEN
By Andy BorowitzApril 20, 2018
Photograph by Ralph Freso / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House announced on Thursday that Donald Trump had successfully secured the services of Rudolph Giuliani, after an exhaustive search for an attorney with fewer clients than Michael D. Cohen.
“President Trump had become concerned in recent days that Mr. Cohen might be too distracted to pay full attention to his case, what with him having two other clients and all,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, said. “So the search was on for a lawyer with zero clients, and with the hiring of Mayor Giuliani, the President believes he has hit the jackpot.”
Speaking to reporters, Giuliani agreed that, by virtue of having three fewer clients than Cohen, he was uniquely qualified to give Trump his full attention. “There is absolutely no chance of my ever putting him on hold,” Giuliani said.
While the former New York mayor’s hiring got high marks from Trump’s inner circle, it drew a bitter reaction from Chris Christie, the former governor of New Jersey, who angrily pointed out that he had not been considered for the job despite having as few clients as Giuliani. “Not only do I have absolutely no clients, I have even less going on, career-wise, than Rudy Giuliani,” Christie said. “Once again, I’ve been screwed.”
Mueller Says That Until Yesterday He Had Almost Forgotten to Investigate Giuliani
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The independent counsel, Robert Mueller, told reporters that, prior to news reports on Thursday, he had “almost forgotten” to investigate the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
“Like most Americans, I had totally forgotten about Rudy Giuliani’s existence,” he said. “But then when he popped up on the news I was, like, ‘Hold on—shouldn’t we be investigating him?’ ”
Mueller was at a loss to explain why he had failed to investigate Giuliani earlier. “I have no idea how it could have slipped my mind,” he said. “His role in Trump’s campaign was as fishy as all get-out.”
He said that other members of his team were “poking fun” at him for not deciding to investigate Giuliani before Thursday. “I mean, think about it: how do you do a criminal investigation of the Trump campaign and leave Rudy out of it?” he said. “I’ve got to say, I’m pretty darn embarrassed about the whole thing.”
When asked for an estimate of when the Russia inquiry might wrap up, Mueller responded, “I honestly can’t say. I was hoping to bring it to a close in the next month or two, but now that we’re also investigating Rudy Giuliani, God only knows how long it’ll take.”
