WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that the problem “is far worse than I imagined,” Attorney General Jeff Sessions on Wednesday urged First Lady Melania Trump to intensify her campaign against cyberbullying.

Speaking to reporters from his office at the Justice Department, Sessions said that, whatever Mrs. Trump had done to eliminate the scourge of cyberbullying, “It clearly has not been enough.”

“From my perspective, cyberbullying is very much a growing problem,” he said. “And with every passing day it gets worse and worse.”

Sessions said that, while he understands that Mrs. Trump has many other responsibilities as First Lady, “anything you can do to get cyberbullying to stop will be very much personally appreciated by me.”

“Please help,” he said, his voice quavering.

In an official statement released later in the day, the First Lady said that she had “kind of forgotten” about her campaign to stop cyberbullying but that she would “get right on it.”

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WARNING: THIS IS “FAKE NEWS” BUT COMES WITH MY ABSOLUTE, UNCONDITIONAL, MONEY BACK GUARANTEE THAT IT CONTAINS MORE TRUTH THAN THE AVERAGE TRUMP TWEET OR SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS NEWS BRIEFING, AND ALSO MORE FACTUAL ACCURACY THAN ANY REPORT PREPARED UNDER THE DIRECTION OF “AGENT DEVON!”

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“Mister Magoo” nothing! He’s not a “bumbler” when it comes to implementing Trump’s White Nationalist immigration policies and bashing Latinos and other minorities.

Nope! He’ll always be “Gonzo Apocalypto” to me! Captures the full crazy, wild-eyed, disingenuous, ignorant, malicious meanness of the man!

PWS

03-01-18